How do you ‘work’ through your grief?
Are you tired of people saying “time will heal you� or “you will just have to work through it?� These clichés have little meaning to us without some solid advice on how to get through one of the most traumatic events of our life, the loss of a loved one. There are no schools for these strategies and there are not many people who are able to share how they ‘worked’ through their grief. The truth is that those of us who have lost a loved one sometimes do not know how we got through our grief or if we are really through it. However, there are some techniques that may help you face the day-to-day anguish of grief These are :
1) Caring for yourself
After you have planned the funeral, worked through any legalities, comforted other family members and explained to countless individuals that your loved one has died, you can become emotional and physically exhausted. This exhaustion can actually threaten your health. You are not eating, exercising, and usually not sleeping as well as you did before. It may be necessary to visit the doctor to look at ways to safeguard your health. The events following the death of a loved one can be very taxing. For the sake of other loved ones, please look after your health.
2) Learning to love yourself.
Most individuals are consumed with guilt after the death of a loved one. Although this is very normal it can also be very destructive. May of us think of a dozen ways we could have loved more or prevented the death of our loved one. The reality is that we are just human beings that try their best to deal with the complexities of life. We are not perfect, we do not have the power to foresee the future or prevent the death of our loved one. A strategy that works in helping you learn to forgive and love yourself is to find a picture of yourself as a child. Look at that precious child and learn how to love him or her again. Reassure the child in yourself that you will protect and cherish him or her from now on. Offer no unrealistic expectations and lots of unconditional love. Keep that picture with you and remind yourself daily that you are that child.
3) Remember you are not alone.
Grief can be a very, very lonely experience. Even though other may be grieving, our grief is unique and somewhat isolating because of it. The bereaved are often concerned of being judged by others on the duration, the intensity, and extent of the grief. “Surely those who cried at the funeral must have loved him more. Why can’t I cry?�
The reality is that grief is such an intense shock to our system and by sharing your feelings with others that have lost a loved one you will be surprised by how many individuals have those same feelings. If you think you are alone, visit a support group or simply open up to your friends, family, a counsellor or a minister. You may be surprised that you are not so different or isolated!
4) Keep a diary
I have found through personal experience that putting your experiences and feelings on paper encourages the healing process. After my son’s death a friend of mine who also lost a child gave me a book with a special message in and she recommended that I write to him. At first the though of writing letters to my child who is now gone sounded very strange. I later found that by doing this I was able to tell him everything I needed to.
How much I loved and missed him. What was happening in my life and how much he means to me. I was also advised to put all my feelings on paper as to what happened when he died. We sometimes find it difficult to express ourselves in words, but by writing I was able to let all my emotions out and looking back, two years later, I sometimes find it difficult to read these letters and diaries, but at the same time it is comforting. Comforting to see how far I have progressed and this makes me realise that as time goes by, it does get a little bit easier. How I have learnt to live with the situation and established a different kind of relationship with him.
After putting everything regarding my son’s death and the first three months thereafter on paper, I can today read this and remember everything. As badly as we want to believe that it is only a nightmare, so we still yearn to remember everything as well. Two years down the line there are little things that I have already forgotten, and it’s nice to read and remember again, no matter how sad it might be. Somehow it just makes me feel closer to my son again. I highly recommend doing this, it really helps!! |
[ TCF Pretoria ]
